After years of bumming around rinks I have noticed some utterly obvious stereotypes that you see no matter what area of the UK you are in. Some of these characters I have seen on my World travels too.
I decided to share the Top 15 of these in this blog with you.
‘Rink Rat’ – Usually a Lad but can be a Lass. Teenage Kid that practically lives at the rink getting under all the Ice Staff’s feet. Goes on as many sessions as possible. Knows how to do the ‘Mohawk Roll’ or ‘Hockey Dance’ as it is also known. Often take up playing hockey but will suffer from ‘Stickittus’ which is the affliction that happens to Rink Rats when they have to skate with a stick in hand, all of a sudden they lose half of their skating ability and most of their coordination.
‘Disco Dweller’ – Always a Lad in this very late Teens to even 40s in some weird cases. Do a huge array of tricks and on ice dance moves (now know as Extreme Ice Skating). Yes, that Lad who looks like he is having a fit on his skates is trying to impress you. Well, not you but the 13 or 14 year girl with the neon leg warmers watching and thinking that it is all so cool. You will only recognise them off the Ice when they appear in the Local paper for being charged with under age sex in the back of their 53 reg Corsa with the badly fitting body kit.
‘The Lads’ – They are the Rinks Senior Ice Hockey Team(s). Normally a collection of 15 to 20 Lads full of the greatest Swag going (though every team will have a ‘Team Tool’) Girls Love them, Guys want to be them. Dress decent, cool hair, play off beards, Mo’s for Movember and you hardly see them carry a kit bag as their gear lives at the Rink. You may however see them with a net laundry bag in one hand and the latest smart phone in the other. Well groomed and Instagram ready. Will NEVER be seen wearing a Hockey Jersey without kit unless it’s the Annual Awards night/Shirt Raffle/Shirt Auction.
‘Team Tool’ – Every team has one. He’s normally not the best player but has a Job. Normally to be the one that either ends up on his head in games, sitting penalties that he didn’t commit or generally getting the mick ripped out of him by ‘The Lads’ and half of the time not realising they are doing it. But he is an important character in the Team so if anyone were to start on him who wasn’t one of his Team they’d have the whole Team to deal with.
‘Lad Wifey’ – In football they are known as WAGS but ‘Lad Wifey’ is normally a lovely sweet girl, generally pretty who comes along to the games and sits quiet and watches her man do his stuff. They are genuine and have some form of moral fibre not found in the array of ‘Puck Bunnies’ or ‘Turbo Sluts’ that often hang round. ‘Lad Wifey’ is often met by her Boo well away from the rink and is only interested as it is her Mans thing. She is always keeping an eye that the ‘Puck Bunnies’ and ‘Turbo Sluts’ don’t get a hold of his thing.
‘Puck Bunny’ – Girls or Women that basically want to get involved in a bit of ‘Off Ice Training’ with whatever one of the ‘The Lads’ they can. Possibly as couple a season. They tend to peak between the ages of 18 to 22 and after that they either settle down or up the ante and move on to being ‘Turbo Sluts’.
‘Turbo Slut’ – A ‘Puck Bunny’ who has crossed over into not only doing members of the team but whole teams. They have left morality behind and to be honest their behaviour is more sexually explicit than a hardcore Adult Movie. They brag about visiting the GUM clinic and how ‘Clean’ they are yet they are at it all the time. AVOID.
‘Mutant Female Fan’ – A Girl or Woman who doesn’t know if they want to kiss or eat their favourite Player. Normally those ‘Scary Women’ that you often see At games. Sometimes the odd one will end up being the nightmare drink fueled ‘Off Ice Session’ for one of ‘The Lads’ . This will scar ‘The Lad’ for life. Not so much the ‘Mutant Female Fan’ flashbacks, more the giant finger nail gouges she made in the poor lads back.
‘Super Fan’ AKA ‘Crazy Fan’ AKA ‘That fan’ – Normally a bloke who constantly wears hockey shirts anytime he can. Always pale from the lack of sun due to spending as much time as possible watching hockey or Wafui Twitch Streams. Will at some stage have weird facial hair. And weird hair. Shouts all during the game. Believes the Ref is always wrong. Hates all other teams and their players and gets his program signed most games. Will spend thousands a year following his team which usually mean that something has to be scrimped on. Normally soap.
‘Hockey Family’ – Parents and kids with overflowing enthusiasm for the game. Will look like a team stick of rock with all the jackets, shirts, t-shirts ect they will buy in support of the team. Kids will probably end up playing and any social life away from an Ice Rink will stop for the Parents. So will any spare cash.
‘Old Skool Zamboni Man’ – Older Man. Grumpy normally. Hates kids, women, men, noise, music and any form of work he doesn’t feel like doing. Often seen carrying a screwdriver round.
‘All the Gear, No idea Rec Player’ – Sadly you cant buy skill or ability but this Dude will have the latest top end sticks, skates and eveything else in between so he looks like a Pro as he falls over as he try to make a pass. Don’t get me wrong we all have to start somewhere, but this player always seems to tip up with an attitude of his gear matches his ability? So, when things go wrong you will often see this guy smash his £250 stick off the boards or launch it up the bench in frustration and will often blame others for his faults. The local shop owner rubs their hands with glee when they walk in knowing that the rent will be paid that month with the cash he will drop each time he comes to the store.
‘The Rec Manager’- Ever seen someone age real quickly due to stress? Want to? Take a picture of a Rec Manager on their first day and then a year later. Yep nothing will age you faster than Baby sitting 20-30 adult children that when it comes to Hockey seem to have lost the ability to organise their time and finances. Stress levels will increase the closer the Team is on a weekly basis to them saying ‘Its the same 9 guys who turn up week in week out. Where is everyone else?’ Constantly chasing someone who is always ‘Bringing that tenner next week’. Has thought about stabbing the guy who keeps asking why the Team doesn’t have more games. Nearly has a heart attack when someone suggests, ‘Why don’t we have our own Tournament?’
‘Evil Hockey Mum’, ‘Evil Hockey Dad’ – They will be the no1 one reason for the Junior Coach taking shit. They will make the sure he/she’s life will be hell unless their son/daughter gets what they think they deserve regardless of how good they are or if they are giving the effort they should to the team. Often never played the game but thinks they know more than a Coach thats given up years to learn the sport and gain qualifications.
‘Hockey Journalist’ – Often a Fan of the Rinks Team but trying to seem ‘more than a Fan’ by writing for their own blog or even the local paper. They Bull the team up to epic proportions and slate everyone and anything else, like ‘Super Fan’ but will get into the games free with their Press Pass. Again, often lacking soap. And any fashion sense. Will live on a diet of warm egg sandwiches and cold fish and chips. Will find people to bore before and after games. If they sport a beard often it will be used to store food so not to pay the rink for a snack. Will NEVER buy a pint for anyone. Extreme cases will also have a game sheet fetish.
So can you picture and put names to some of these characters? Are you one of these characters?
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Thanks for reading!
Feef.